Man gets angry with his fiancée’s male friends who groped her

Dear Abby: My fiancée has several male friends that she has known for years. One of them visits her at work, brings her food and gifts, and is able to hang out with her after hours. Another called her one night and invited her out for drinks to celebrate her promotion.

At a recent party, another one of them would put his hands on her back or shoulders every time she spoke to him (she was wearing a silk blouse). Before that, she had walked with him to the ATM machine holding his hand. At another party, I practically had to snatch another “friend” from her so I could sit next to her at dinner and then stand next to her for the group photo.

When I tell her I’m upset about this, especially that she’s allowing this to continue, she tells me that they’ve been friends for years and that nothing sexual is going on. (In fact, she says I’m the ONLY man she knows who thinks that way.) She says, “We’re all affectionate.” Watching these goings on, I don’t see any of her other male or female friends touching anyone else in this way.

I would never touch another woman who was in a serious relationship. She insists that it’s just me and that if I say anything, she’ll get mad. So here I sit, fuming, while her supposedly non-sexual friends grope her and vie for her attention. Any advice? — Boil in New York

Dear Boiling: Yes. Your fiancée has made it clear that she has no plans to change. That’s why you need to stop being angry and end the engagement. Unless you enjoy pain and anxiety, this is not the girl for you.

Dear Abby: I have one grandchild and another on the way. Lately I have been struggling with all the rules and boundaries my children are putting on me. I realize that with the internet and parenting classes, they are getting more information than I am.

The last problem is with my daughter, who is due in a few months. We are very good friends, but suddenly she tells me that I will have to take a shower and put on clean clothes before seeing her daughter. She is afraid of third-hand smoke. Unfortunately, I am a smoker.

I would never smoke around her baby. I don’t even smoke in the house, but she has told me that is her rule. I have read all about thirdhand smoke and have not found any statistics on how much exposure it would take to harm a baby.

I’m going to try to quit, but I think this is crazy. He hasn’t said anything about cleaning products, food, or anything else. Am I wrong in thinking this is an exaggeration? — Sad Smoker in Massachusetts

Dear Smoker: As a lifelong smoker, you are probably no longer aware of how unpleasant the smell of tobacco can be to non-smokers. It clings to the smoker’s hair, skin, clothing, and surroundings. You are entitled to think what you want, but as you said, this is your daughter’s rule, and if you are going to interact with your granddaughter, you will have to respect it.

I sincerely hope that you can overcome your tobacco addiction and hug your baby. If you do, you will be doing everyone a favor (including yourself).

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.